You See the Man. You Don’t See the Burden.

This Men’s Mental Health Month, Let’s Finally Say What Needs to Be Said

This piece is part of a collaboration with

Alex Katsulis

of Do Selfish Well in honor of Men’s Mental Health Month. We are each exploring different sides of the male experience, but both of us are pointing to the same truth. Men are struggling, and the silence around it helps no one.

After reading this, I encourage you to check out Alex’s companion article, What It Means to Be a Real Man. He brings a deeply personal lens to the conversation and connects it with music and reflection in a way that complements this piece.

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June is Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month, and yet we rarely talk about what men are silently carrying.

Before we talk about how men can heal, we have to acknowledge the pressure many men live under. These aren’t the only ways men are struggling. But they’re among the most significant.

This piece reflects common experiences for many straight men, though the pressures men face vary across different lives and identities. The goal here is not to speak for everyone, but to speak to something that often goes unspoken.

This isn’t to deny the real struggles women face. It’s to make space for a conversation about men that rarely happens. If we believe in empathy, we need to offer it to everyone.

Who Gets to Define a Good Man?

When men defined what made a good woman, it hurt women. Now, when women define what makes a good man, it hurts men. Today, women’s definition of a good man is often seen as the gold standard.

To illustrate the gap in how men and women define a ‘good man,’ I asked ChatGPT a pair of simple questions: “What are the qualities that women say make for a good man?” and “What are the qualities that men say make for a good man?” These are the results:

What women say makes a good man:

· Emotional Maturity

· Integrity

· Presence

· Respect for Women

· Supportive and Reliable

· Vulnerable

· Confidence (not arrogance)

· Growth-Oriented

What men say makes a good man:

· Responsibility

· Strength

· Purpose

· Stoicism / Emotional Control

· Loyalty

· Discipline

· Leadership

· Honor

These lists are quite different. Men who mold themselves into others’ ideals risk losing touch with their authentic selves.

A Crisis of Masculine Identity

Historically, men’s roles were clearly defined. They were providers, protectors, and leaders. Men were valued for their strength, stoicism, and ability to shoulder responsibility. Their role centered on work, duty, and sacrifice. They were measured by what they could contribute to their families, communities, or nations. Emotional expression was discouraged. Competence and reliability were rewarded.

In just a few decades, these age old standards have been turned on their heads. The clarity surrounding masculinity has faded. Traditional strengths are now often framed as liabilities, leaving many men unsure of their place. Clarity has given way to uncertainty.

How is a man supposed to act in today’s society now that longstanding norms have been shaken up? There are many conflicting expectations.

Should a man pay on a date? Many people expect this traditional behavior. But in a world striving for gender equality, is that still expected?

Should a man be emotionally open with a woman about his feelings and insecurities? Even though many women say they want emotional openness, some men find that sharing vulnerability still leads to rejection. Many women say they value vulnerability, but often still expect men to feel steady and contained. When he doesn’t, it can feel unsettling.

Is the man supposed to be the provider? Traditionally, that role gave men a sense of purpose and fulfillment. While many women want financial equality, they often still seek partners who earn more.

This societal confusion is compounded by a cultural climate where men, uniquely, remain one of the few socially acceptable targets for blame.

The Only Group Still Safe to Blame

In today’s culture, it’s common to hear terms like mansplaining, manspreading, or toxic masculinity. These labels call out frustrating behaviors, but they also carry hostility. If a man explains something in a condescending way, why not just call it condescension? Why attach a label that smears a whole gender? Men talk down to other men all the time. But mansplaining implies the problem is being male itself.

It’s striking how certain labels are accepted when aimed at men but would be unthinkable if aimed at any other group. Terms like “toxic Blackness” or “womansplaining” would rightly be condemned. Yet “toxic masculinity” and “mansplaining” are used openly, even in professional and academic settings.

When men push back and say “not all men,” the common response is “It’s always men.” That kind of response shuts down conversation. It suggests men cannot defend themselves, or even clarify their intentions, because their gender disqualifies them from being heard. Even asking for understanding can be treated as another offense.

If a man joins a men’s group or speaks openly about male struggles, he risks being labeled as sexist, an incel, or part of the problem. He’s not heard, he’s written off. Meanwhile, advocacy for almost every other group is seen as noble and necessary. That contrast is hard to ignore.

There’s also a cultural expectation that men don’t deserve support and shouldn’t need it. Men are not supposed to have dedicated spaces for processing, healing, or community. They’re expected to suffer silently and solve things on their own. When they form groups or communities to support each other, those spaces are often mocked or treated with suspicion, as if every man lives a life of privilege and has no reason to feel pain.

Too often, people don’t see men as having problems, they see men as the problem. When men are constantly treated as the villain, it is hard to believe they can hurt too.

One clear example of this contradiction is the viral “man or bear” question, where women were asked whether they’d rather be alone in the woods with a man or with a bear, and most said the bear. It wasn’t a joke. It was a statement meant to show men just how afraid women are of them. However, it also communicated to men we see you as a threat simply because you're a man.

Women want their feelings of fear to be validated while simultaneously invalidating the feelings of men who feel hurt, confused, and offended. Men are expected to take women’s emotions seriously, while their own are dismissed.

One reason people feel justified attacking men is the idea that it is acceptable to “punch up”. Men are seen as at the top of the social hierarchy. But after even a basic look at the numbers it is clear that most men are simply trying to survive.

The Myth of Easy Mode

The phrase “men are playing life on easy mode” gets tossed around as if it’s simply a fact. But this view comes from looking up at the most powerful and visible men, not at the millions who quietly struggle every day. It ignores men who work brutal jobs, support families, and carry burdens no one sees.

Take one example: if there’s a pipe filled with human waste and someone has to crawl through and shovel it out, it’s almost certainly going to be a man. And yet, that man, the one doing some of the most unpleasant, physically punishing labor in society, is rarely respected for it. He’s not seen as noble. He’s seen as low status. He might be breaking his back to provide for his family, fulfilling the traditional provider role, but that role often goes unnoticed now. In many spaces, it barely earns acknowledgment.

Many women fight for the perks and power of the ultra-successful men they see above them, but there's almost no conversation about gender equity in roofing, sewer repair, oil rigs, garbage collection, slaughterhouses, or the thousands of other brutal jobs in society. These are overwhelmingly male-dominated fields. Yet society doesn’t appreciate the sacrifices of these men. They’re often blamed for not doing “their share” at home, even after spending hours lifting heavy things or sweating under the blistering sun.

Even when the work is grueling, many men choose it willingly. It gives them meaning, sacrificing for others with the expectation that their efforts are recognized and appreciated. That appreciation is rapidly disappearing.

The statistics for men are grim.

Men die by suicide nearly four times more often than women (CDC). They account for over 70% of homicide victims (Statista), 93% of workplace deaths (BLS Census of Fatal Occupational Injuries), and around 60–75% of the homeless population (HUD). Men die younger, on average about 5.8 years earlier than women (CDC). They make up over 90% of the prison population (Prison Policy), but are far less likely to seek mental health support despite accounting for nearly 80% of suicides (CDC). In education, men are falling behind: women earn approximately 59–63% of bachelor’s degrees and 63% of master’s degrees (NCES). In divorce, about 80% of initial custody arrangements favor mothers (US Census Bureau).

These are not the signs of a group coasting through life. They’re the warning lights of a silent crisis. And they make it clear that “easy mode” is not the reality for most men.

Rethinking Power and Patriarchy

It’s become common to blame the patriarchy for nearly every imbalance in society. The word is often used to suggest that men, as a group, are hoarding power and working, systemically and deliberately, to keep women down. That might’ve made sense decades ago, but such framing no longer reflects current reality. It paints men as a monolithic enemy, frozen in the 1950s, when women couldn’t open a bank account or sign a mortgage. But that’s not the world we live in anymore.

Women have made enormous strides in education, employment, and legal rights. In many areas, they’ve surpassed men. There’s no law that keeps women out of boardrooms, politics, or medicine. Claiming that men are only doing better because they’re keeping women out is an oversimplification. That assumption leaves no room for other possibilities: different preferences, lifestyle choices, biological realities, or even cultural messages that discourage men from leaving certain roles. It frames men as the default villain.

A recent post summed this up. A woman wrote, “Why are mammograms painful? If men had to have them, there’d be five painless alternatives by now.” The message underneath is that men could fix this easily, but just don’t care enough to bother. Men only care about the suffering of other men.

This can read like a slap in the face to men. Throughout history, men have routinely sacrificed everything, even their lives, to protect others. “Women and children first!” is the norm when there is danger around. Most men are not oppressors, but they are routinely treated as if they were.

Dating Difficulties

Modern dating has created new challenges for everyone. The impact on men is often invisible. Social media and dating apps have significantly shifted expectations, especially for women. Men aren’t competing with peers anymore. They’re measured against the top 10% of men dominating dating platforms. Online dating data consistently show that most women swipe on the same small pool of men, leaving the majority overlooked.

For these top-tier men, online dating is amazing. For everyone else, it’s a grind. According to dating app stats, a man of average attractiveness swipes about 200 times to get a date. Of those, 4 out of 5 women will ghost. By the time he finally sits across from someone at a coffee shop, he may have swiped 1,000 times. That kind of rejection takes a toll. It’s demoralizing. It can wear down a man’s confidence in ways that aren’t easy to talk about.

There’s a phrase thrown around in frustration: the sixes—six feet tall, six-figure income, six-pack abs, six-inch penis. People say it half-jokingly, but it shows how far off the perception of the average man can be. Only about 2% of men are both six feet tall and earn six figures. Surveys suggest many women believe 20% to 30% of men meet these criteria. A man needs to be exceptional just to be dateable.

It’s understandable that women don’t want to date someone they see as a loser. But there’s a double standard that stings. If a woman says she prefers men who are tall or financially successful, it’s called a preference. But if a man says he prefers a woman under a certain weight or with a certain breast size, he’s often called shallow or sexist. That disconnect is hard for many men. It reinforces the belief that only some people are allowed to have standards and that men’s desires are inherently wrong.

These dating dynamics shape more than romantic lives. The rejection chips away at men’s confidence, visibility, and sense of worth.

The New Crisis of Male Loneliness

Men are lonelier than ever. They used to have built-in communities such as work crews, churches, veterans' halls, and sports leagues. Men didn’t go to these places to talk about emotions, but it gave them connection and structure. Now that many of these spaces have disappeared, nothing has taken their place.

Men have fewer close friends than in the past. Many in-person friendships have been replaced by screen-based interactions. Often, the only source of emotional support a man has is his romantic partner. If that relationship ends, he may be left with no one.

A lot of men now feel more alone than ever. Many men say they don’t have a single person they can call when they need help. This can lead to depression, addiction, even suicide. No eulogy rewinds time. No obituary fills the void. By then, it’s too late to say what needed to be said.

Men Deserve Compassion Too

Men are not a generic group of villains. They are our fathers, brothers, and sons. They sacrifice for others, doing the jobs nobody wants.

If we already believe in compassion for those who are struggling, we just need to remember that men struggle too. We need to recognize their sacrifices, and the unique burdens they shoulder. We can’t keep using men as emotional targets and expect them to stay silent. Remember, they’re people too. Appreciate the unique challenges they face.

Let’s retire terms like “mansplaining” and “toxic masculinity”. If a man is being strong for you, recognize this might be his way of showing love. And if a man is willing to open up, listen with compassion instead of writing him off as privileged or not worth supporting.

Of course, some men behave terribly. But don’t let the worst examples justify writing off half the population.

How Men Can Start Healing

One of the most important things men can do is build genuine, emotionally supportive friendships with other men. Too often, male friendships revolve around shared activities like sports or gaming, with little space for vulnerability. While those shared interests can be valuable, they cannot replace the need for real connection. Men need people in their lives who will check in on them, listen without judgment, and offer support during hard times. If you are a man, try to be that kind of friend and seek out others who can be the same for you.

Joining a men’s group can also be a powerful step. Whether it is a local meetup, a support circle, or an online community, these spaces give men permission to speak openly about their struggles. You are not broken or weak for wanting to talk about what you are going through. Many men are dealing with similar challenges but have been conditioned to stay silent. Finding or creating a space where men are allowed to speak honestly can be life-changing.

Start talking. It doesn’t have to be dramatic or complicated. Sometimes one vulnerable sentence can deepen a friendship more than years of surface-level conversation. If you feel overwhelmed or isolated, try opening up to someone you trust. You do not have to share everything all at once. Just being real about something you are dealing with can make all the difference.

Take care of yourself physically. Moving your body regularly, whether through walking, weightlifting, yoga, or sports, can help release stress and improve your overall sense of well-being. Exercise is not a cure for deeper emotional struggles, but it can be a helpful tool in staying grounded and reducing anxiety. It is one way to invest in yourself that often pays off in many areas of life.

Finally, ask for help before things spiral. You do not need to wait until you are falling apart to reach out. Talk to a friend, a therapist, a support group, or anyone who will listen. Getting support early does not make you weak. It means you care enough about your life to do something about it.

It starts with one conversation. One man reaching out. And one friend willing to listen.

Leave No Man Behind

Men are hurting. They’re not the enemy. They’re human. And like anyone else, they need support and compassion. If we want a kinder, healthier society, we can’t leave half of it out. Healing starts when we stop pretending anyone is fine just because they’re silent.

Think of one man in your life. Could he use a check-in today?

Let’s start the conversation. Share your story in the comments, and consider forwarding this to someone who could use it.

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If this article resonated with you, take a few minutes to read

Alex Katsulis

’ What It Means to Be a Real Man over at Do Selfish Well. He approaches the topic with clarity and depth, offering a different but aligned perspective on what so many men are silently carrying. You can find his article here.

Let’s keep this conversation alive. One truth at a time. One man at a time.