You Don’t Know What They’re Thinking—Stop Acting Like You Do

We assume we know what others think—but we’re often wrong. Learn how these hidden assumptions shape our relationships and how to stop making them.

It is natural to assume we know what others are thinking. We do this automatically, often without realizing it. We project our thoughts and beliefs onto others. If we would feel a certain way in a given situation, we assume others would feel the same way too.

But we rarely understand the full context of another person’s life. We don’t know what they’re thinking. We don’t know what kind of day they’ve had. We don’t know their hopes, their struggles, or what’s on their mind.

There are times when guessing what someone is thinking is a necessary skill. A general must anticipate his opponent’s next move to gain the upper hand. A criminal profiler studies behavior patterns to predict how a serial killer might act. A poker player watches their opponents closely, trying to determine if they’re bluffing.

But outside of battlefields, crime scenes, and high-stakes games, most of us aren’t mind-readers—and we shouldn’t pretend to be. Yet we do it all the time in everyday life. A friend keeps mentioning a particular restaurant, subtly hoping you’ll suggest going there. A co-worker repeatedly talks about how overwhelmed they are, indirectly asking for help without directly saying so.

Social interactions are filled with unspoken cues. A partner might sigh and say, “I guess I’ll just do it myself,” when they really want you to step in and help. A boss might say, “We’re looking for people to step up,” hinting that they want you to take on more responsibility without outright assigning it. Even small moments, like picking a movie to watch with a group, require reading subtle shifts in tone and body language to gauge what people truly want.

There are times when trying to understand what someone else is thinking is necessary. But far more often, we assume we know what’s in their head—and we’re wrong.

I’m thinking more of the times we make automatic assumptions—when we assign meaning to others’ actions without realizing it. But the same action can have entirely different meanings.

If I’m late for an appointment, the person waiting might be thinking wildly different things. They might think I don’t respect their time. They might be relieved they have extra time to catch up on something they were behind on. They might be worried about me.

The mindset we ascribe to another person often corresponds to our own thinking. If we believe it’s disrespectful to be late, we will worry about this when we are running late. We will be highly prone to believing the other person is upset with us.

I see examples of this happening all the time.

But just because we are feeling something does not mean others are as well.

A good rule to follow: Never tell someone what they’re thinking or feeling—ask instead. You’ll likely be surprised at how wrong you were.

But most of the time, we don’t even realize we’re making these assumptions. They happen instantly, without conscious thought. We see someone’s expression, hear their tone, or notice a small action and jump to conclusions about what they must be thinking or feeling.

Here are some examples of these snap judgments, though the list is endless:

• A driver honks behind you, and you instantly assume they’re angry that you didn’t accelerate fast enough at the green light. It feels personal, like they’re impatiently waiting for you to move. But maybe they aren’t honking at you at all. Maybe another driver just cut them off, or they’re trying to warn a pedestrian who stepped into the street.

• Your friend hasn’t texted you back quickly, so you assume they’re ignoring you or upset about something. You start replaying your last conversation, trying to figure out what you might have said wrong. But maybe they’re just swamped with work and plan to reply later. Maybe they haven’t even seen your message yet, or their phone battery is dead.

• At the gym, you catch someone looking in your direction while you’re exercising. It’s easy to assume they’re judging you—maybe they think your form is terrible, or that you don’t belong there. But maybe they aren’t paying attention to you at all. Maybe they’re lost in thought, staring into space without realizing it. Or maybe they’re admiring your effort, thinking about trying the same exercise themselves.

• Your manager doesn’t invite you to a meeting, and you assume they don’t value your input. But maybe they thought you were too busy. Maybe they just forgot to add you to the calendar invite.

• Your partner sighs after you say something, and you assume they’re irritated with you. But maybe they’re just exhausted from a long day, or their mind is somewhere else entirely.

Most of these assumptions are small, easy to brush off. But sometimes, just one wrong assumption can change everything. I know because it cost me someone I loved.

The Cost of a Wrong Assumption

Ironically, the woman I was seeing, the one who first helped me recognize how often I assumed what others were thinking, fell into the same trap herself. She had studied communication extensively and prided herself on her ability to avoid these kinds of misunderstandings. But even a trained communicator can make mistakes.

The day before, she had shared an idea she was deeply passionate about. I completely missed its significance and didn’t give it the attention it deserved. The next day, I texted her about an idea that was highly similar, almost certainly subconsciously primed by hearing hers. To me, it was casual, something I wasn’t particularly attached to. I was in a very jokey mood, playfully bratty as I messaged her, assuming she was laughing along with me.

But without body language or tone of voice to guide us, our assumptions filled in the gaps. She believed I had stolen her idea and planned to implement it to undermine her. She assumed I had recognized how much it meant to her and dismissed it anyway. I assumed she found my jokes as amusing as I did. In reality, we were both wildly wrong about what the other was thinking.

This misunderstanding struck a deep and sensitive place in her. She felt betrayed. After that, we became even more prone to making assumptions about each other’s thoughts and feelings, leading to a downward spiral I could not stop. I would have done almost anything for her, but I couldn’t undo what was already set in motion. In the end, I lost someone I deeply cared for. Not because of what was said or done, but because of what was assumed and left unspoken—until it was too late.

The Call to Action

Try this today: The next time you assume what someone else is thinking, stop. Instead of reacting, ask. You might be shocked by the truth—and by how much unnecessary distance you’ve created in your relationships.

Assumptions are easy—but how often are they right? Instead of filling in the blanks with our own biases, let’s practice curiosity. The next time you’re convinced you know what someone else is thinking—ask. You might be surprised by their answer. And sometimes, asking instead of assuming can save a relationship.